Days After Disney's Bombshell Confession, Iowan Actor Unveils Plans For "Alternative" Theme Park

April 1, 2022

As The Walt Disney Company continues to distance itself from the heart of its wholesome and family-friendly origins, many across the nation are calling for alternatives to the entertainment empire.


One relatively unknown Iowan has decided to lead the way with the unexpected announcement of a new multi-billion dollar enterprise.


Earlier this morning, actor, composer, and social media influencer Aaron Fullan unveiled his ambitious plans to build a brand new theme park on a sprawling plot of 25,000 acres in America's Heartland, appropriately named (almost annoyingly so) Aaron's World.


"Americans are ready for something different," Fullan told journalist Megyn Kelly on The Megyn Kelly Show. "Conservative voices are tired of being told they are old-fashioned, bigoted, racist nincompoops simply because they call boys 'boys' and prefer blue cotton candy to pink. I'm here to fill a void. A really, really big void."


Fullan went on to explain that the park will feature rides and parks that will appeal to a more conservative audience, including a 402-foot tall roller coaster called The Denim Demon, a slow-moving log flume ride dubbed The Liberal Lumberjack (that literally accomplishes nothing during it's 4-hour ride time), and a beautiful garden/family picnic area entitled Homeschooler Haven.


"People from all walks of life will be welcomed, regardless of political affiliation," President of Public Relations Jordan Peterson expounded further. "That being said, we cannot guarantee that people will not be emotionally damaged by some of the more 'outdated' and 'vintage' character qualities of the park (e.g. gender-delineated bathroom signs, American flags, happy people, etc.).


When asked if trigger warning signs would be placed throughout the park, Peterson could not comment due to uncontrollable fits of laughter.


Construction is set to begin next month and be completed in time for the 2023 season.


Ticket pre-sales are now available! Comment below to receive 50% off your first 10 tickets.


*awkward pause*


Ok, ok, ok....................................APRIL FOOLS. ;)

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