YONKERS, NY - After 10 years of tedious research and testing, The American Musicological Society finally released its highly anticipated study on the necessity of music. The results are shocking the world.
100 American adolescents (2 from each U.S. state) were selected at random each year to participate in the historical study by the AMS. Each participant endured two separate tests, each lasting 3 days.
The first test consisted of each adolescent being deprived of food (plenty of water was provided to ensure survival) for 3 days, but unlimited access to Spotify. Conversely, the second test deprived each participant of all music sources, but unlimited (and elaborate) food options.
Surprisingly, 98 out of 100 adolescents showed more signs of malnutrition and physical deterioration from a lack of music as opposed to a lack of food.
Lowell Anderson, an 18-year-old participant from Fulton, Illinois, said the experience was truly eye-opening:
"I was shocked. All of my life, I thought food was more important than music. I mean, doesn't it seem obvious? I still can't believe it. It's just like.. too unreal."
President Donald Trump has officially declared a national state of emergency and the AMS is now encouraging all parents across the United States to sign their kids up for music lessons as soon as humanly possible.
*THIS IS (HOPEFULLY OBVIOUS) SATIRE*
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